Here it is, nearing the end of a year. Last year at this time I was looking forward to a new year. I knew the next year would be better. And now, I'm hoping the next year will be better. I never could have even imagined losing my son. Little did I know that within two months of hoping for a better year, I would be experiencing the worst year of my life. The thought came to me last night, I'm always looking forward to things being better, but if I do that, I'll never take the time to say, "Thank you God" for this time. If I live for the future, I miss out on the blessings of the day. I've had the habit of looking for big things, and missing the little blessing that happen every day.

I truly do hope that next year will bring many blessings for me, but I'm going to try to look forward to those blessings every morning when I get up. Jeremy always longed to be with his Grandma and his Lord, and now he is enjoying both of them. His dream when he was on earth was to spread the good news that Jesus died on the cross for sinners like himself and that he arose again so that like Jesus we could rise again and live with him forever.

I sometimes wonder what use my life has, and I know Jeremy wondered the same thing. I know Jeremy's life touched a lot of people, as messed up as it was. I only hope that mine will do the same.

Some days it is very difficult for me to work. I know most of the people there do not know that I have lost a son, but it is a matter of life going on around you as if nothing as happened and you just have to jump right in there and go along with it even if you don't feel like it. Even though I have found peace with Jeremy's death, I still feel so empty inside. I still feel like the world shouldn't just go on as if nothing happened. It should somehow acknowledge that a person has passed away. I know that isn't very reasonable but I don't always feel very reasonable.

The only way I can make it through is to bring myself back to realizing the peace and happiness my son is enjoying at this time. I sometimes think of him being the same age as Jesus was when he died. If people don't age once they get to heaven he's the same age as our savior up there. Maybe that makes them closer somehow. It's a nice thought anyway.

The days come and go even when I would rather they didn't, and work calls me on right now so I better go put a smile on my face and face the world around me with all their returns from the Christmas season.

Christmas went better than I thought it would go. Wednesday evening I got the first Christmas stocking in my life. Fifty six years old is a nice time to get a Christmas stocking, especially this Christmas. One of the items in the stocking was a candle. I lit it and just relaxed while I watching the flame flicker on the walls. It was the same way I finished my Christmas day out as well. I know my friend was praying for me to find peace through it all and I have finally felt at peace with Jeremy's passing. Will that stay that way? It may, but it may not. All I know is that I am enjoying the peace now.

I have a homemade card that Jeremy made for me last Christmas and I've pulled it out and read it again. It is almost as if he wrote that card for this Christmas. He talks about his thoughts being with me in this trying time. It was better than any bought card could have ever been. I'm so glad I held on to it. It was still part of my wall decoration when he passed away in February. Sometimes I can almost feel him standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders saying, "Don't cry mommy, I'm OK."

I thank God for all my friends and family during this holiday season. I didn't hear from all of them, but I did hear from some. Even those who have never acknowledged that I have lost a child, I know they just don't know how to express what they feel in their heart.

I'm not always able to get online with my work schedule and not having connection at home right now, but I'll post as many days as I can. It helps me to connect with my feelings. I wish you all a very Blessed Christmas.

I remember the day well. It was February 1st and they called to tell me that they were taking Jeremy to the hospital because he was having chest pain and having problems breathing. When they got him to the hospital they found out that he had a blockage in his intestines. They figured it had to do with scar tissue built up from a past surgery. They told me it was no big deal, that he would be there for three days maybe and then he would be back at the group home.

I talked to him twice that day. In the morning he was very miserable, and in the afternoon he was feeling better but was so tired. I told him to get a could night sleep and I would talk to him in the morning.

When I woke up the next morning I called the hospital and I couldn't understand what he was saying. The nurse took the phone and let me know that his blood pressure was dropping and that he was having a hard time breathing. She said it was no big deal, they were going to bring him to ICU just for observation and that she would call and tell me what room he was in. They called back ten minutes later and told me that they had been trying to revive him for the past ten minutes. He must have died right after I talked to him.

I had to tell them to stop trying. They had tried a tracheotomy even and there was nothing. I asked them what happened and they said they were going to do emergency surgery to remove a badly infected kidney but they never had a chance. They knew of it on Friday, why didn't they remove it then? That is the thing that bothers me the most.

I think I still hoped for a miracle, but then they called to ask if they could use parts of his body to help others in need. My first thought was "No way, that is my boy you're talking about." but then I thought of what he would have wanted. He would have wanted them to use all of him if it would have helped someone else. So I agreed.

More next time.

I was trying to think of some way that I could mark Christmas this year that would honor my son Jeremy, age 33 who died February 2, 2008. I thought of getting a ring. I thought of buying a candle and lighting it. I tried to think of things that were important to him, but nothing I thought of seemed to be special in its own way. Then a friend of mine suggested that I start a blog and write about my grief and maybe in someway, even though the situations are different, it could encourage someone else who has lost a loved one, especially a child. Being a writer, that appealed to me. So that is exactly what I did.

It is 2:25 am and I'm still awake. That is something that happens a lot. For one thing, I work late some nights at Wal-mart where I am a manager. But even when I have off, I have a hard time sleeping. I sometimes think of all of the times we shared together, my son and I, and sometimes I smile, but most times I cry. It should not be. No child should die before their parent. Oh, I know that he is in a much better place, and for the first time in his life he is probably having a great time, but the problem is, it doesn't stop the pain. I am left behind, and all that I held dear has been taken away from me. Nothing seems special anymore. Nothing seems beautiful. The only thing that warms my heart is the smile of a little child. That and the love of friends and family.

I'll talk more of Jeremy and how he died in my next post. That is a tough one to write through because it still causes me much confusion. Until next time.