Still missing him but ---

Sometimes I just can't help but wonder why I am here and my son was taken home. I would have rather it was the other way around. But I think the reason is that I have something left to do that only I can do. God isn't going to take me home until I have finished my work. Now all I have to do is figure out what that is.

I spend so much time trying to figure out what that big thing is that I am supposed to do that I miss the big picture. I am to do what ever I can do each day of my life. Our life is an ongoing opportunity to spread love to our fellow man. Some days when I am busy feeling sorry for myself I get so wrapped up in me and all my problems that I don't see the person next to me that needs my encouragement.

The thing that astounds me is that it makes me feel good to touch other people. I do words of inspiration for other people and when I do that it really isn't me that is doing it but God that is flowing through me. I see the way people react to those words. It is God speaking straight to their soul. That is so precious to me. Yet I look at that and say, "Yah, but I can't do that." The point is I don't have to do it. If God gives me the words to write to another person, if he uses me as a conduit, then why wouldn't he do it in other things I write?

I still miss Jeremy, but I have to let him enjoy the life he has now and just step out and enjoy the life that God has given me. Jeremy doesn't sweat anymore. I never stopped and thought about that before but it is true. Jeremy isn't uncomfortable. He has everything around him that gives him joy. Would I want him back? No, I can't do that. But I need to stop being unhappy because I don't have him down here. That is selfish. I want him here because I loved him, and if anyone tries to tell me I didn't I'll not accept it. I loved him more than I loved myself. That is where the problem comes in. The question comes up, if you don't love yourself how can you love someone else? That is a good question and shall have to think about that. Until next time, good day.

Mother's Day 2009

It has been quite awhile since I wrote in here. I've started school and between school and work and sleeping when I can it fills up my day. But it is Mother's day again and of course my thoughts are of Jeremy again. It was suggested that I look at some pictures and really concentrate on remembering the good times we had together on vacations and things. I said I wished I had pictures but they are all up north and Sarah and them haven't sent any down to me. Maybe I should just have them put a bunch in a box and send them and I could do things with them myself.

Jeremy used to enjoy going to Wisconsin Dells. One of our favorite attractions was the Wisconsin Ducks. We enjoyed the ride through the woods and over water and laughed at all their silly jokes. Sometimes Jeremy would like to ride it twice. He also enjoyed the boat tour too. Mom was with us one time when we took the boat tour and then we went to the Indian Ceremony at night. Jeremy thought that was really neat. We all enjoyed watching the dog jump across the chasm. Another thing he enjoyed there was Tommy Bartlett's Water Show. He would just crack up when that guy would do the sound affects show at the end.

For some reason this post sounds as blah as I feel. I guess I just have to take it as it comes. I should do something special to mark this day for myself, I just haven't figured out a way to make it special. Maybe I'll think of something. What are you when you don't have any children anymore? Are you still a mother? I hurt like a mother, but my son is off in a far land and I'll never see him again on this earth. I hope the time is not too long before I'll see him again in the land that is fairer than day.

Jeremy loved big trucks. One time we went to visit our friends in Canada and Adrian was a truck driver and he took Jeremy and his son on a day run. Jeremy never forgot that. He couldn't get over how different everything looked from "way up there" and talked about the air horn and the breaks and the log book and all kinds of stuff that happened that day. It was always a dream of his to one day drive one of those big things. That was a dream that never materialized for him, but it was a dream that he kept alive regardless.

I wonder sometimes why it is that we let our dreams die. If we don't see any immediate answers then we tend to give up and settle for the way life is. The way life is, especially if you are working at a job that doesn't interest you, is seldom something that will give you the excitement of getting up and going about your day. But a dream, that will give you something to work at.

It is just like a day you are planning on going on vacation. I can hardly remember what those days are like anymore. But you get everything packed and you get to bed and you are so excited you can't hardly sleep. Most of the time you get up and take off early just because you can't wait to get started. That is what it is like to work at what you love. I haven't done that yet, but I know that day is coming.

Meanwhile, I'll try to keep that dream alived inside, just as Jeremy always kept his dreams alive even though he wasn't able to accomplish most of them. He was a bright kid, and that was what bothered me the most of his entrence into the system. They stiffled his potential. I hope to some day establish a new community for the mentally ill that encourages instead of stiffles their abilities.

It feels so good to be out of the woods. People have said it at work and at church. It is amazing to see that look of pure joy. No shroud of weight hangs about her shoulders. And it all started because I came to a point where I saw all the anger that lurked within and was able to set it aside with God's help. I'll always miss Jeremy, you can't carry a child for nine months and raise him for 33 years without being united in spirit. But now, I can see the beauty of God's creation again, and I have a new hope within me that all things will turn out for good.

I think one of the things that held Jeremy back from being all he could be was the feeling that he couldn't possibly make a difference. It was difficult for him because he was held back in many things, but he could have done one thing at a time and over time it would have added up to a lot. But he couldn't see that. Even if he didn't see it, just by being himself, he touched a lot of peoples lives. They couldn't help but laugh at some of the things he did and said, but he touched their lives by his sense of humor and his urgent desire to spread God's word to all that would listen.

I know that I have had those same thoughts. How can I make a difference or how can I fulfill my calling when I have so very little money to work with. But I can do one thing a day towards my goal, and over time it can turn into something beautiful. Can one person really make a difference? I believe they can.

One day when Jeremy and I stopped at a park, we were walking and talking about how his days had been and he stopped and looked at me and said, "Mom, that is why I love you so much. You always took the time to listen to me, even when I didn't make any sense." There are comments like that which make me so glad I did decide to make sure he always felt he could talk to me about anything. And he did talk to me about anything that came to his mind. My son could talk more in ten minutes then I said all day sometimes. He was a talker. When he was younger sometimes I would say "next bite" at lunch time because it took him so long to eat. He was more interested in talking.

Even in his earlier years, when he talked mostly in vowels, he could put a string of words together faster than anyone I knew. When we wanted to say he wanted to go to Milwaukee Zoo he would say "aouee ooo" It wasn't until later that I understood he wasn't hearing because he had tumors in the inner ear. Where he came up with all those words I don't know because I sure didn't talk that much. Some people just must be born with all those words bottled up inside them.

I used to tell him to please be quiet for just one minute. Now, I wish I could hear him jabber on like that. He had a hard time to last one minute without talking. I bet he is still talking away up there, only now it won't be about Harley's, trucks, or flashing red and blue lights, it will be all about the honor and glory of God. Ah to hear that sweet voice again.

I'm having one of those blah days again where I don't want to move or do anything. I can't say that I am real sad, just a lack of enthusiasm. I'm finding out that grief can take all kinds of forms. The one that is the most long lasting is the lack of passion in life or anything about it.

I was watching a child the other day, and I wished I had 1/4 of his ambition and wonder of the world around him. I remember how Jeremy was when he was growing up. I have pictures of him doing the goofiest things. I have one picture of him walking around in my high boots and dad's old red coat that he wore all the time. He was always trying out something new just to see how it worked.

Jeremy wondered about a lot of things. And he had an imagination that is so important to do anything in life. His favorite pass time was laying on his back on the grass and looking at the clouds. He saw all kinds of shapes in those clouds. He would see things in pictures and trees and sides of buildings. Once he would point them out then I could see them just as plain as he could, but he was always the one who had to point them out. I saw things with no imagination. He was always stopping to check out a stone or some other object on the road.

Jeremy took patience, but I learned a lot from him. They say we are to teach our children, but I think in lots of cases we learn a lot from them as well. Now, I wish he was here to point out the things he saw in things. No, I don't want him back because he has it much better where he was, but I would like that imagination that he had passed on to me so that I too would have that wonder for life again.

Some days there are not enough hours in the day to do all I want to do, and some days there are way to many hours when the wonder of life is gone. I hope for a renewed vision of what my purpose is in life.

It has been quite some time since I wrote in my blog. I got hung up with not having a working connection and working hours that were a bit odd. But another reason is that I have moved beyond the grieving process. I have started living again. One of the first things I did was to attend the gem show and found many interesting things. I found things interested me again. That in itself was a new beginning.

Lately I have been finding out some of the frustrations that Jeremy lived with as he grew up. One of the main things I am dealing with now is hearing. Jeremy had a 95% hearing loss as he was growing up and many times people would get annoyed with him and say he just didn't want to listen, but the truth was, he couldn't hear them. I am experiencing that myself lately. If someone says something to me and I don't hear them, they get annoyed with me and get offended. Some seem to think it is because I am saying that they don't speak clearly. I'm not, it isn't their fault, it is that I can't hear. But I don't want to not be able to hear. I don't want to not answer people because then it will let them know that I really haven't heard anything they said.

Mom had that problem too, and she used to smile and say umhum and nod her head a lot. She didn't hear what you said, but she didn't want to ask what you said. If I don't hear what you say, I'm going to ask you. But I know now why Jeremy and Mom didn't do it, because it does make you feel as if you are doing something wrong on purpose if you can't hear.

You can hear a lot but not listen at all, or you can listen, but hear very little. I hope you don't have the problem as Jeremy had with hearing. But I also hope, if you don't have trouble hearing that you will be patient with those that can't hear. And never ever make them feel as if the problem lies with their unwillingness to listen.