It feels so good to be out of the woods. People have said it at work and at church. It is amazing to see that look of pure joy. No shroud of weight hangs about her shoulders. And it all started because I came to a point where I saw all the anger that lurked within and was able to set it aside with God's help. I'll always miss Jeremy, you can't carry a child for nine months and raise him for 33 years without being united in spirit. But now, I can see the beauty of God's creation again, and I have a new hope within me that all things will turn out for good.
I think one of the things that held Jeremy back from being all he could be was the feeling that he couldn't possibly make a difference. It was difficult for him because he was held back in many things, but he could have done one thing at a time and over time it would have added up to a lot. But he couldn't see that. Even if he didn't see it, just by being himself, he touched a lot of peoples lives. They couldn't help but laugh at some of the things he did and said, but he touched their lives by his sense of humor and his urgent desire to spread God's word to all that would listen.
I know that I have had those same thoughts. How can I make a difference or how can I fulfill my calling when I have so very little money to work with. But I can do one thing a day towards my goal, and over time it can turn into something beautiful. Can one person really make a difference? I believe they can.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
One day when Jeremy and I stopped at a park, we were walking and talking about how his days had been and he stopped and looked at me and said, "Mom, that is why I love you so much. You always took the time to listen to me, even when I didn't make any sense." There are comments like that which make me so glad I did decide to make sure he always felt he could talk to me about anything. And he did talk to me about anything that came to his mind. My son could talk more in ten minutes then I said all day sometimes. He was a talker. When he was younger sometimes I would say "next bite" at lunch time because it took him so long to eat. He was more interested in talking.
Even in his earlier years, when he talked mostly in vowels, he could put a string of words together faster than anyone I knew. When we wanted to say he wanted to go to Milwaukee Zoo he would say "aouee ooo" It wasn't until later that I understood he wasn't hearing because he had tumors in the inner ear. Where he came up with all those words I don't know because I sure didn't talk that much. Some people just must be born with all those words bottled up inside them.
I used to tell him to please be quiet for just one minute. Now, I wish I could hear him jabber on like that. He had a hard time to last one minute without talking. I bet he is still talking away up there, only now it won't be about Harley's, trucks, or flashing red and blue lights, it will be all about the honor and glory of God. Ah to hear that sweet voice again.
Even in his earlier years, when he talked mostly in vowels, he could put a string of words together faster than anyone I knew. When we wanted to say he wanted to go to Milwaukee Zoo he would say "aouee ooo" It wasn't until later that I understood he wasn't hearing because he had tumors in the inner ear. Where he came up with all those words I don't know because I sure didn't talk that much. Some people just must be born with all those words bottled up inside them.
I used to tell him to please be quiet for just one minute. Now, I wish I could hear him jabber on like that. He had a hard time to last one minute without talking. I bet he is still talking away up there, only now it won't be about Harley's, trucks, or flashing red and blue lights, it will be all about the honor and glory of God. Ah to hear that sweet voice again.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I'm having one of those blah days again where I don't want to move or do anything. I can't say that I am real sad, just a lack of enthusiasm. I'm finding out that grief can take all kinds of forms. The one that is the most long lasting is the lack of passion in life or anything about it.
I was watching a child the other day, and I wished I had 1/4 of his ambition and wonder of the world around him. I remember how Jeremy was when he was growing up. I have pictures of him doing the goofiest things. I have one picture of him walking around in my high boots and dad's old red coat that he wore all the time. He was always trying out something new just to see how it worked.
Jeremy wondered about a lot of things. And he had an imagination that is so important to do anything in life. His favorite pass time was laying on his back on the grass and looking at the clouds. He saw all kinds of shapes in those clouds. He would see things in pictures and trees and sides of buildings. Once he would point them out then I could see them just as plain as he could, but he was always the one who had to point them out. I saw things with no imagination. He was always stopping to check out a stone or some other object on the road.
Jeremy took patience, but I learned a lot from him. They say we are to teach our children, but I think in lots of cases we learn a lot from them as well. Now, I wish he was here to point out the things he saw in things. No, I don't want him back because he has it much better where he was, but I would like that imagination that he had passed on to me so that I too would have that wonder for life again.
Some days there are not enough hours in the day to do all I want to do, and some days there are way to many hours when the wonder of life is gone. I hope for a renewed vision of what my purpose is in life.
I was watching a child the other day, and I wished I had 1/4 of his ambition and wonder of the world around him. I remember how Jeremy was when he was growing up. I have pictures of him doing the goofiest things. I have one picture of him walking around in my high boots and dad's old red coat that he wore all the time. He was always trying out something new just to see how it worked.
Jeremy wondered about a lot of things. And he had an imagination that is so important to do anything in life. His favorite pass time was laying on his back on the grass and looking at the clouds. He saw all kinds of shapes in those clouds. He would see things in pictures and trees and sides of buildings. Once he would point them out then I could see them just as plain as he could, but he was always the one who had to point them out. I saw things with no imagination. He was always stopping to check out a stone or some other object on the road.
Jeremy took patience, but I learned a lot from him. They say we are to teach our children, but I think in lots of cases we learn a lot from them as well. Now, I wish he was here to point out the things he saw in things. No, I don't want him back because he has it much better where he was, but I would like that imagination that he had passed on to me so that I too would have that wonder for life again.
Some days there are not enough hours in the day to do all I want to do, and some days there are way to many hours when the wonder of life is gone. I hope for a renewed vision of what my purpose is in life.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It has been quite some time since I wrote in my blog. I got hung up with not having a working connection and working hours that were a bit odd. But another reason is that I have moved beyond the grieving process. I have started living again. One of the first things I did was to attend the gem show and found many interesting things. I found things interested me again. That in itself was a new beginning.
Lately I have been finding out some of the frustrations that Jeremy lived with as he grew up. One of the main things I am dealing with now is hearing. Jeremy had a 95% hearing loss as he was growing up and many times people would get annoyed with him and say he just didn't want to listen, but the truth was, he couldn't hear them. I am experiencing that myself lately. If someone says something to me and I don't hear them, they get annoyed with me and get offended. Some seem to think it is because I am saying that they don't speak clearly. I'm not, it isn't their fault, it is that I can't hear. But I don't want to not be able to hear. I don't want to not answer people because then it will let them know that I really haven't heard anything they said.
Mom had that problem too, and she used to smile and say umhum and nod her head a lot. She didn't hear what you said, but she didn't want to ask what you said. If I don't hear what you say, I'm going to ask you. But I know now why Jeremy and Mom didn't do it, because it does make you feel as if you are doing something wrong on purpose if you can't hear.
You can hear a lot but not listen at all, or you can listen, but hear very little. I hope you don't have the problem as Jeremy had with hearing. But I also hope, if you don't have trouble hearing that you will be patient with those that can't hear. And never ever make them feel as if the problem lies with their unwillingness to listen.
Lately I have been finding out some of the frustrations that Jeremy lived with as he grew up. One of the main things I am dealing with now is hearing. Jeremy had a 95% hearing loss as he was growing up and many times people would get annoyed with him and say he just didn't want to listen, but the truth was, he couldn't hear them. I am experiencing that myself lately. If someone says something to me and I don't hear them, they get annoyed with me and get offended. Some seem to think it is because I am saying that they don't speak clearly. I'm not, it isn't their fault, it is that I can't hear. But I don't want to not be able to hear. I don't want to not answer people because then it will let them know that I really haven't heard anything they said.
Mom had that problem too, and she used to smile and say umhum and nod her head a lot. She didn't hear what you said, but she didn't want to ask what you said. If I don't hear what you say, I'm going to ask you. But I know now why Jeremy and Mom didn't do it, because it does make you feel as if you are doing something wrong on purpose if you can't hear.
You can hear a lot but not listen at all, or you can listen, but hear very little. I hope you don't have the problem as Jeremy had with hearing. But I also hope, if you don't have trouble hearing that you will be patient with those that can't hear. And never ever make them feel as if the problem lies with their unwillingness to listen.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Good intentions
Well, I had good intentions yesterday, and the day really did go well, but today, I collapsed both physically and emotionally. I had a wave of grief wash over me that I haven't had since I walked away from the grave a year ago. It took about a half hour before I could feel my face or my arms. It took longer for the feeling to come back in my hands but it is almost back now. But then I got up and walked out to the van and drove over to meet my friends at the restaurant. I don't care how many times I get knocked down, I'm not staying down.
I found out later that when I was at the lowest point, my former pastor and his wife were thinking and praying for me. Don't ever think that your thoughts and prayers aren't needed, you never know when your thoughts and words will pick someone up that needs the strength at the time. I had done so well yesterday that I had no clue that the grief was going to hit me so hard today. One thing I've learned through this all and that is that grief has no timeline. You can't rush it, and you aren't in control of it, God is. All you can do is get back up and move on afterward.
I'm tired right now, so I think I'll take a nap. Next time, hopefully I'll be able to write about some pleasant memories.
I found out later that when I was at the lowest point, my former pastor and his wife were thinking and praying for me. Don't ever think that your thoughts and prayers aren't needed, you never know when your thoughts and words will pick someone up that needs the strength at the time. I had done so well yesterday that I had no clue that the grief was going to hit me so hard today. One thing I've learned through this all and that is that grief has no timeline. You can't rush it, and you aren't in control of it, God is. All you can do is get back up and move on afterward.
I'm tired right now, so I think I'll take a nap. Next time, hopefully I'll be able to write about some pleasant memories.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Happy Anniversary
Today was my one year anniversary. My roommate and I decided I should celebrate today as a day to remember Jeremy and also feel good about the fact that I made it through a whole year. We even went out for lunch and played some games. I had an enjoyable day and I figure if I could make it through this day, I could make it through any day that lies ahead. I gave myself permission to stop mourning. It hasn't notified my eyes yet that they don't have to tear up all the time, but that will come in time.
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were remembering a time when he went for a ride on the four wheeler and got splattered with mud. What a mess that was! But he had a grand time and that was all that was important. Jeremy was the type of person that used to crack up when something touched his funny bone. And when he cracked up, you couldn't help but laugh. He couldn't hold it back, it came out in all kinds of tones and made him breathless. It was such a riot.
One day Jeremy and I and mom had gone on a train ride to the end of the line in Canada. We had gone up one day, stayed over night in a little French village and then came back the next day. I had stopped to pick him up a comic book thinking he wouldn't get bored on the way back. Mom and I both got books as well. I didn't have to worry about it being boring for him. We shared the car with one couple. The guy was always laughing. He'd go through this whole string every time. He'd start out with Ha ha ha, hee, hee hee, ho, ho, ho! He had Jeremy laughing so hard and of course that made us laugh too. Our stomachs were so sore by the end of the day.
Going back to the comic book I picked up for him, he looked at it briefly once and set it aside. It was a comic I know he liked. I asked him why he wasn't reading it. He said, "I can't, it's in French." The man overheard him say that and that brought on a whole new bout of laughter.
He had a great day on the way back, and to top it all off he got to go sit in the engine and blow the whistle when we went over a deep and long gorge. We had lots of fun times together, and I am glad I could take today, the anniversary of his death, and remember some of those times. If any of you read this and remember things about Jeremy, please, post an answer and let me hear about them.
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were remembering a time when he went for a ride on the four wheeler and got splattered with mud. What a mess that was! But he had a grand time and that was all that was important. Jeremy was the type of person that used to crack up when something touched his funny bone. And when he cracked up, you couldn't help but laugh. He couldn't hold it back, it came out in all kinds of tones and made him breathless. It was such a riot.
One day Jeremy and I and mom had gone on a train ride to the end of the line in Canada. We had gone up one day, stayed over night in a little French village and then came back the next day. I had stopped to pick him up a comic book thinking he wouldn't get bored on the way back. Mom and I both got books as well. I didn't have to worry about it being boring for him. We shared the car with one couple. The guy was always laughing. He'd go through this whole string every time. He'd start out with Ha ha ha, hee, hee hee, ho, ho, ho! He had Jeremy laughing so hard and of course that made us laugh too. Our stomachs were so sore by the end of the day.
Going back to the comic book I picked up for him, he looked at it briefly once and set it aside. It was a comic I know he liked. I asked him why he wasn't reading it. He said, "I can't, it's in French." The man overheard him say that and that brought on a whole new bout of laughter.
He had a great day on the way back, and to top it all off he got to go sit in the engine and blow the whistle when we went over a deep and long gorge. We had lots of fun times together, and I am glad I could take today, the anniversary of his death, and remember some of those times. If any of you read this and remember things about Jeremy, please, post an answer and let me hear about them.
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