Happy New Year!

I've been out of touch with the world due to a bout with the flu. It is good to be back in touch. The other night when I crawled into bed the thought came to me that I had to forgive the doctor for not doing surgery the day Jeremy came into the hospital. I found that easier to do than the thought that followed next, which was that I had to forgive myself for not being there for him. It tore my heart out. I didn't know that those regrets were still there. The tears of regret are the bitterest of all.

I know that for 32 years and 7 months I was there for him, and I shouldn't beat myself up, but the thing that makes them 5 months so important is the fact that they were his last 5 months. I can never get them back again, no matter how much I'd like to. I didn't leave and never contact him, he wouldn't have left me and I wouldn't have wanted to. He called me about 12 times a week and I wondered what to say to him sometimes when he called because he was always talking to me.

That seems so strange now. I sometimes look at my cell phone and will it to ring. That reminds me of the night of his death. A friend of mine had invited me to spend the night and they would bring me to the airport in the morning. Before I got in bed I said, "Oh wait, I have to get my cell phone handy, Jeremy always..." Then I stopped. Jeremy would never call and wake me up again on a Sunday morning.

And now it is the new year. Eleven months have already gone by. It seems hard to believe once in awhile. One thing I am thankful for and that is all the memories I have of Jeremy and I and all we did together. Next time I'll share some of them.